Grace in the Imperfection

“Is this what healing is? Free fall into the abyss?

I crumbled like a landslide, nothing looks the same. Nothing is making sense. But isn’t there grace in the imperfection isn’t there life in my reflection? Sometimes it’s a little hard to see. Whatever it is I will find it.

So where do I begin with so much of me missing?

Isn’t there grace in the imperfection?” - Emily Rowed

I have listened to this song by Emily Rowed several times over the past 3 months. Each and every word speaks to me. I returned home after being in CA for 20+ years… I had visions, dreaming of what it would be like. Well, it wasn’t exactly what I dreamed about:) But that’s ok! Life is messy. Life can’t be perfectly planned….how boring would that be;) We all have expectations, expectations of others, of ourselves…we have to let that go…you can only control yourself… and if that is sometimes scary and unguided so be it! That is beauty in the imperfection!! Each and every one of us are trying to do the best we can in life and with that finding happiness, gratitude, humor, love and grace along the way.

I realize that everything in life that happens is an opportunity. An opportunity for growth, challenge, healing, happiness. We all know what it is like to muddle through the heavy- each and every one of us. That muddling makes the wins and beautiful days even that more beautiful. Your appreciation for those times are so much clearer and sparkly. During these past couple of months I had so many “glimmers” as I like to say. I learned a lot about myself. I allowed myself to really dig in and grieve the loss of my Mom that I hadn’t done, while being fully aware that the grieving process isn’t over and will ebb and flow throughout life. I met an amazing group of people on my return that I will forever be friends with, they fully embraced me and I learned so much from these beautiful souls. I reconnected with old friends, the ones that know you so well, the ones that you grew up with and shared crazy high school times with, the ones that you can pick up right where you left off as though you had seen each other yesterday and laugh that deep belly laugh that feels so good.

Embrace your own imperfections! Be open and be honest - it’s ok to be sad some days, it’s ok to have emotions whether they are up, down or sideways. JUST FEEL THEM. I have been told my entire life that I am too sensitive. I always felt ashamed when I was told this. So I would try and bury my feelings down deep inside. Well guess what? That didn’t work for me - it would be like a volcano slowly erupting when I didn’t say how I felt or tried closing off my emotions. It was a disaster. SO, at my midway point in life I am fully embracing the messy and surrendering to what life has in store for me. I am embracing the unpredictable. I am showing my emotions. I am following the crumbs that are dropped for me and guiding me - I am paying attention. At this point these crumbs are guiding me back to my community in CA and who knows where life will take me after that;)

With love and grace (and always some grit mixed in;)

Jenny

xx